You want to change. If you are reading this post, I know you do but I also know that there are reasons why you haven’t. I’ve been there. I have been reading and trying to change for the past four years. I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was that was preventing me. I read everything. I knew all the steps. I understood all the options that were available to me if I could just change, dammit. But something wasn’t clicking for me, until now.
The five reason why you haven’t changed:
5. Friends and Family: Friends and family have a strong influence and pull in our lives. They are the ones that we can run to when we cry and want to bond over our common pain. They will affirm your decision to stay who you are and right where you are. They are not doing it consciously, but when one person changes it forces everyone around them to think about what they are doing with their own life. Insecurity can make them try to keep you where you are so they aren’t required to change too. Hence, the saying that “misery loves company.” The reason why you should change is because you have to. I can’t guarantee that you won’t lose friends and your family won’t be mad at you, but that is their issue and not yours. It will be more painful to you to live small than to endure some envy.
4. It’s too Hard: Is it really? I can remember being so depressed at times that I couldn’t get out of bed. I can remember being in despair to the point that I didn’t think there was a place on the earth for me. I have to tell you that it is so much better to wake up and know that I have a purpose on the earth. It’s so much better to smile, laugh and check-in with my emotions. The funny thing is that it does seem like pain will kill you. I still feel pain. I still get angry and go through my range of emotions, but now that I am not beating myself up with my thoughts, it doesn’t last as long. It leaves my body very quickly. When you are in that depressed state, you are hoping and praying for happiness. Well, I can tell you that once you control your emotions, it will never be the other way around. I do not long to be in a depressed state ever again.
3. There’s a Payoff: You are getting something by being sad or angry all the time. You want attention. You want attention from family, friends or someone. It’s just as easy (if not easier) to bond over pain as it is to bond over happiness. There is a payoff when you go to that co-worker and fellowship over hating your boss or the work you have to do. You get attention and sympathy from friends and family when you are complaining about the boyfriend or girlfriend that is constantly treating you bad and lying to you. You can pull people out of their lives to come to your rescue when you are in danger or about to be on the street. It’s dramatic and it is a dramatic way of finding out who really loves and cares about you. There is a part of you that worries that if you have no issues or drama that you might find out that no one loves you or cares about you.
2. Letting go of the past: If you let go of your story, who will you be? You have been telling that story for so long. It defines you. It has become the thing you identify with. It gets you sympathy and understanding. If you let that story go, who will you be? The truth is that you are writing your story every single day. If you let the past go, today will be the past by tomorrow. Whatever you write for yourself today will begin to write your new story. It’s surprisingly easy to start turning your tragedy into a story of triumph.
1. Fear: Fear is the number one thing holding you back. If you give up who you were and all the things that you use to connect with other people, you have to find a new way and that is scary. It’s unknown. It’s uncomfortable. You have spent all this time being unhappy or angry and to let all that go would expose your vulnerability and require you to deal with your emotions. Why would you want to do that? Because it is worth it. The pain of changing is temporary, but the pain of not changing can go on forever. You have to do it, because the stress of not changing will wear your body out. The pain of not growing will steal your quality of life. Imagine what it could be like to bond with friends over your happiness and success? What great people are waiting to meet you? They can’t meet you now because you are down in despair instead of living your purpose with them.
The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.- Tony Robbins
Now that you are aware of all the reasons why you haven’t changed, you have a decision to make. If you are comfortable with the list and can live with it, then there is nothing more to say. But, if you read that list and felt like you deserved so much more, then it’s time to make a decision to give up your story and make a decision to change your mind.