Every ending presents an opportunity to review everything you did and figure out what changes you can make in the future. If you can look at your action with true honesty, you can find the reason within your experience and convert it into a lesson. It’s not something that everyone finds easy, including me. To be honest, it’s easier to point the finger and blame someone else but it doesn’t serve us. Instead, if we learn to heal the part of ourselves that invited the challenge, we can move one step closer to our purpose.
“You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
Recently, I ended a relationship that wasn’t serving me. Neither of us were happy in the relationship, but I allowed it to continue for way too long under the guise of “working on it.” The truth is that neither of us were working on the relationship instead we were waiting for the other person to change. We weren’t on the same page about what we wanted from the relationship and instead of walking away or really trying to fix it, we avoided all the issues and pretended that it was enough. Pretending only leads to resentment and fatigue as needs aren’t being met and both people are working extra hard to keep up the facade that everything is good.
In this relationship, I was challenged in so many ways and it forced me to learn a great deal about myself. I was faced with my limitations and my strengths. I am a firm believer that everyone you attract in your life acts as a mirror to show you all the things that you don’t see about yourself. If you notice, a mirror doesn’t return your exact image. It’s a reflection. He mirrored many of my insecurities and they showed up in ways that I couldn’t ignore. But, instead of wounding me, he broke me open. When we finally broke up, I spent days looking back on the relationship. At one point, I burst into tears as I understood that he tore down every wall that I had up. As he continued to bring up my wounds, I healed them. I felt like I had to if I wanted to continue the relationship. I read books. I went to therapy. I did everything that I could think of to heal myself to be a better partner. It turned out that he wasn’t interested in changing or aligning his goals with mine, but it really didn’t matter. I realized that I was giving up too much of myself to make it work and I suspect that he felt the same way which is why I think it was good that we are apart.
I walked away from the relationship with a new understanding of who I am and who I want to be in my future relationships. I know that I am capable of an incredible, unyielding love, but it has to be with the person that shares my values and goals. If you’re not aligned on what you want out of life, you will grow apart as we did. But, I will never apologize or wish that I hadn’t been in that relationship. I consider him to be one of the soul-mates in my life that was attracted to push me to the next level. Most people think that a soul-mate is a perfect mate that was created just for you. I don’t agree. I think we have many soul-mates throughout our life. They come in the form of lovers, family and friends. Our souls are attracted to each other for the purpose of helping us to heal our wounds so that we can evolve to the next level.
I wish him well. I walked away from that relationship more in love with myself and with my heart more open than it has ever been. I can love and, now that I’ve healed so much of myself, I can be a wonderful partner to someone who wants to reciprocate. The end of a relationship doesn’t have to be the ending of your possibilities, but rather it is the beginning.
“In my end is my beginning.” – T.S. Eliot