A serial monogamist is someone who moves from relationship to relationship to avoid being single. Everybody knows one. If you don’t know one, then it might be you. A serial monogamist is on the lookout for their next relationship before the breakup of their current relationship so they can avoid being alone for any length of time.

On the surface it looks like they are committing, a serial monogamist is the ultimate commitment-phobe. A serial monogamist isn’t in the relationship to grow, but they are in the relationship to avoid their growth. They don’t emotionally invest in the person or the relationship. Serial monogamist go through the motions of the relationship because they enjoy the benefits and comfort of having someone else around.  They are one foot in the relationship, but always ready to run if it doesn’t work out. They pretend to be committed, but are always planning their escape route.

It’s unhealthy to go from relationship to relationship. Relationships are designed to help you grow whether it is from love or from the pain. If you always try to avoid the pain, you are avoiding your own growth and the intimacy that is needed in a relationship. Another loss in serial monogamy is in your own identity. A serial monogamist is pretending to be everything the other person wants them to be to make the relationship work. When one person is pretending in a relationship, both partners lose the trust and security that being honest in your relationships create.  The serial monogamist also has to constantly restart and rebuild their life with a new person.

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung

If you just figured out that you are a serial monogamist or someone you know is, you’re next question might be how do you fix it?The first step is to realize that you are and recognize the damage that you are doing by tricking someone into believing that they are in a committed relationship when you are not actually committed.

If you are in a relationship that you think is good for you, it’s time be all in. Stop searching for the backup person or planning your escape. Start accepting the limitations of the relationship and emotionally invest in the needs of the other person. Accept that you are contributing to the problems in the relationship and allow your partner to play their role as your mirror. Let them guide you into becoming more intimate. It’s going to be scary, but love requires you to be vulnerable. You may be surprised how the drama disappears from your relationship and the trust increases when you are mentally and emotionally plugged in.

If you are in a relationship that you know isn’t going to work out, drop your backup and BE SINGLE. This is so important. Being single is not the same as being alone. It’s an opportunity to get to know yourself. You have been avoiding loving yourself which is why your relationships don’t work. You can’t love someone properly until you love yourself. Take some time to face your fear and get to know who you are outside of a relationship.  You can’t have a healthy relationship until you have a healthy relationship with yourself.

Face your fear and you can be on the path to real love. Once you are a healthy partner, you can attract a healthy partner and you will find out that there is safety in loving someone who you can trust with your vulnerability and the truth of who you are.

“He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.” – Lao Tzu