Recently, I had to use three words I am not fond of, “I’m not okay.” My biggest problem is that I am very good at pretending that everything is okay. And I am not very good at asking for help or even admitting to myself that I can’t handle everything. The downside of believing that I can do anything is that I don’t let myself off the hook very easily. My expectations are impossibly high and I hold myself to a very unreal standard.
R&B Singer, Ne-Yo has a song on his latest album, R.E.D., called, “The Cracks in Mr. Perfect“, where he talks about all the things he doesn’t do right and his mistakes. Yesterday, my cracks showed. I’ve put myself under a lot of pressure trying to figure out the next chapter of my life. I had what I can only describe as a mini-breakdown and I actually scared myself. I didn’t realize how much stress I was carrying in my body. This was my wake-up call.
In trying to navigate this spiritual journey, I made a huge mistake. I thought that all this spiritual knowledge meant that I had to know everything. I stopped giving myself room to be human. I’m imperfect. I’m seriously flawed. I started buying into the illusion of perfection rather than knowing that there will be times in my life where I won’t have all the answers and I won’t make the right decisions. I’m so great at giving all of this to other people, but so terrible at doing it for myself.
So, what happens now? I think the lesson I have to learn is how to depend on others and I have to say those three words that I don’t like, “I’m not okay.” I need to be weak. I need to let myself fall. As long as I am bracing for it, I’m not allowing myself to feel everything that comes with it. I need to go through the range of emotions: the anger, the disappointment, the grief, the guilt and whatever else comes with being a regular person dealing with a sucky set of circumstances. Carl Jung said, “What you resist persists”. So as long as I don’t allow myself to work through the feelings than the situation won’t change.
A very special person in my life loved me through my momentary breakdown and told me to pray. So, that is what I am going to do. I’m not afraid of my cracks. I know why they are there and there is a story as to how they got there. If I’m going to be accepting of myself, I understand that I have to allow myself to be weak sometimes. I know there are people who are going through something at this very moment. If I can share anything with you, it’s that you don’t have to pretend to have it all together or to know everything. You can fall apart. You can make mistakes and bad decisions. You can start all over again. It’s sucks. But, it will get better.
“When in the grand scheme of things it’s our imperfections that truly make us perfect/So do yourself a favor, find the beauty in your cracks”- Ne-Yo