I was scrolling through my Facebook timeline when I saw a post that said, “Choose her Every Day or Leave Her”. Someone had copied and pasted a blog post by Bryan Reeves. It details how he was in a 5 year relationship, but realized that he didn’t choose his partner. He focused on the negatives about her instead of seeing the beautiful aspects of her and what she brought to his life. It ultimately led to the demise of the relationship.
As I read through it, I realized that I have never been chosen. I’ve struggled with insecurity. I’m not an insecure person, meaning I’m jealous, but I never really feel safe. I can feel comfortable, but there’s an underlying feeling of being unsettled. Nothing ever seems like a done deal to me. I’m always preparing for it to fall apart.
In the post, Reeves says, “I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her every day, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her.“
And suddenly, I realized I don’t know the security of being chosen. As I thought back through my life, I can picture moments in my life where it was my perception that others were choosing their own self-interest over mine. I’m not saying it is accurate, but it’s my perception which makes it my reality. I often felt like my feelings didn’t matter. I, especially, felt helpless as a child when decisions were being made without my input and I think that affected my ability to feel secure in my world.
Another factor in my ability to feel secure is that fact that I actually was abandoned by a parent. So, the desire for me to feel chosen is a strong one and it’s only now that I’m realizing that I don’t know the safety of it. I move through the world feeling unprotected. But, that wasn’t my biggest revelation.
The thought that slapped me in the face and woke me up was that I wasn’t choosing myself either. In being in a relationship with someone who refused to choose me or abandoned me emotionally, I wasn’t choosing myself. I was choosing that person, who refused to give me what I needed, over me. I wasn’t valuing myself while I was trying to get them to see my value. Even now, I discount my own feelings to avoid the pain of them being ignored by others. I devalue my own presence and make excuses when others aren’t dependable or there for me. I do things alone and pretend I don’t need anyone else because it’s easier than rejection. I don’t ask for what I need and I never ask for help. And, I ignore how all of it makes me feel deep inside. I’ve spent my life hoping someone would just ask me, “What’s wrong? Do you need anything? Can I help you?”
I wasn’t choosing me. I was the source of my own insecurity because I abandoned myself waiting for someone to validate me, prove my worth or just recognize that my needs. But, the reality is I wasn’t validating me, believing in my worth and I was ignoring my needs.
“Often romantic relationships fail because you are trying to get someone to fall in love with the YOU that you never discovered.”
― Shannon L. Alder
It became clear to me that even if someone came into my life right this minute and told me they chose me that I wouldn’t feel secure and safe. I doubt I would even be able to believe them. It’s hard to recognize something in someone that you haven’t seen or don’t believe in. And, it’s possible that I’ve spent much of my life rejecting or overlooking security while chasing the instability that feels familiar. Now that I’m aware of the cause of my insecurity, I have made a conscious decision to choose myself. I have to place the value on my presence and validate my existence rather than wait for someone to come along and mirror it back to me. I should feel secure in the fact that I have a great deal to offer someone.
And, for the first time, I feel like I know the person I want someone to fall in love with because I choose her too.