Hurt People Hurt People

Earlier this week, I posted about my breakthrough in “Killing Me Softly.” It’s been a few days and I have felt lighter and happier than I have been in years. I am able to see everything from a different point of view. I am able to hold people accountable for their own thoughts and feelings. I am able to distinguish my own thoughts, feelings and behavior. I am no longer swept up in the confusion.

What I don’t want anyone to think is that I am pointing the finger of blame. That is not at all the case. We all have coping mechanisms for dealing with our lives. I can’t fault anyone for how they handle their pain. I also have no right to judge someone for something that they are not aware of. My breakthrough was not about being able to walk around telling myself that I am right and everyone else is wrong. I have my own way of coping and it has had it’s own unhealthy ways. I have spent years working through the layers of my own personal alarm system. It is a lifelong learning process. What this did for me was to help me to get out of my own head. It stopped me from being guilty for something that it not within my control. It let me off the hook. I don’t have to fix myself to fix them. I don’t have to absorb abuse to love them. I can’t heal them by making myself small.

“You cannot get sick enough to help sick people get better. You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive. It is only in your thriving that you have anything to offer anyone. If you’re wanting to be of an advantage to others, be as tapped in, turned in, turned on as you can possibly be.”- Esther Abraham Hicks

The relief comes from knowing what it is. It’s like when I couldn’t breathe at night and I didn’t know why. When they finally said that it was asthma, it was a relief. I still had to deal with the complications, but at least I knew what it was. Knowing what it is helps me learn how to deal with it. You can’t deal with what you don’t acknowledge. I am working on myself to see what are my triggers and where do I allow myself to get sucked into believing things about myself that I know aren’t true. I am getting stronger.

It’s never about blaming someone else. Blaming someone else gives them all the power, because if you can’t change them then your situation can’t change. I don’t need the people around me to change. It is up to them to change. The only person I have control over is me. I understand their pain and their coping system.  I have been able to forgive people their actions, because I understand that it is not about me. I am looking at fear. Maybe, through love, I invoke their fear which sets that alarm system into action. I can accept that.

But, it is my goal to share this new awareness. I can’t make anyone see what they refuse to see, but I can share it. My goal is to continue to work on myself. I have learned that all I have to do is love. I don’t have to be anything more than what I am. I know that I am loved.  I am surrounded by people that love me. Now, it’s time to stop distracting myself and step into my purpose. It feels good to let all that angst go and move forward.

“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion. Compassion is defined as a “keen awareness of the suffering of another coupled with a desire to see it relieved.” People hurt others as a result of their own inner strife and pain. Avoid the reactive response of believing they are bad; they already think so and are acting that way. They aren’t bad; they are damaged and they deserve compassion. Note that compassion is an internal process, an understanding of the painful and troubled road trod by another. It is not trying to change or fix that person.” – Will Bowen