Who am I and What do I want?

I had a lot of thinking to do last night. I watched “Oprah’s LifeClass: Spiritual Solutions” last night with another of my favorite inspirational teachers, Deepak Chopra. It took me a minute for everything that they talked about to sink in. I’m feeling some resistance to some of the ideology, but it’s not because I don’t believe it. It’s because I do and I am a little scared of the magnitude that comes with the belief. In the class last night, they said that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I am the observer of my thoughts. I am in control of my thoughts and my thoughts are not in control of me.

I know this and I believe it, but even as I am typing this I feel this anxiety coming up into my chest. One of my issues is that I always feel like I am trying to gain control. I’ve often felt like the dumping ground for other people’s problems and judgments. I’m realizing that I am addicted to my story. I am addicted to playing the role of the long-suffering martyr that no one understands nor sees how great I am and takes me for granted. But, I can also see that I am putting myself into situations to be the long-suffering martyr that no one understands nor sees how great I am and takes me for granted, by the choices I make.  I always looked at it as the people in my life chose me, but the reality is that I attracted them to make my story true. Why would I do that? It is because I am a spiritual being having a human experience. What does that mean? It means that I am a small piece of the Source, but life has taught me to forget that. Everything that happens in my life is designed to remind me to find my spirituality again. I don’t have to become. I have to remember.

“Spirituality is a journey into self awareness.” – Deepak Chopra 

Deepak Chopra said, “The mind is a conversation.” We look at our mind as if we are supposed to be led by it, but we really aren’t. The mind is like a high-functioning computer. It’s keeping the organs running, it’s pumping the blood, it’s pulling in all your thoughts, creating memories and filing them away. The mind is cataloging experiences and programming reactions for us. As we re-experience traumatic events, it’s going to the catalog and running the response program so that we can avoid pain. When you have a crazy dream at night, it’s your mind trying to understand a problem and figure out where to file it away or if it needs to create a program to run so you can avoid it or fix it. The mind is a beautiful gift, but sometimes, as with every computer, it needs overriding or re-wiring. Trauma is like a shock to your system and it can create programming that senses danger unnecessarily.

Your soul knows so much more than your mind. Some call it a “gut feeling” or intuition.  Sometimes, your mind will tell you something is scary, but your “gut’ will tell you that it is going to be alright.Your soul is connected to the Source. It’s within you, but we have learned how to trust the mind instead of consulting the soul. We operate from ego instead of from the place within us that is loving and understanding. In our world, there is less appreciation for calm. People get excited and pass around images of aggression and champion unrest, but that is not how we were meant to be. We are going through this human experience to find our way back to the place within us that is pure love like the Source.

“The past is gone. The future is not here. Now I am free of both: What am I choosing right now?” – Deepak Chopra

So, why do I feel this fear? The fear comes with giving up my thoughts. A part of my story has been my intelligence is my value. In my life, I was rewarded when I proved to be smart. It’s a bit scary to me to realize that I might have been book smart or life smart, but emotionally dumb. It’s now time to build my emotional intelligence. I have always trusted my intuition, but I never really understood what it was.  Now, I understand that I am a soul within this body and I am having this experience. I am not working to become something. All I have to do it trust and BE what I already am.  When I believe this, I have to see everything that happens in my life as designed to help me get closer to my true self, my higher self. It also makes it easier to see the humanity in those around me. They are just spiritual beings having a human experience too.

Can you believe that you are a spiritual being? How would you treat yourself? What would you expect from others? Do you trust your intuition? Can you observe your thoughts?