The Fear of Silence

I’ve read about how to grow spiritually. Every book that I’ve read talks about meditation. I know that meditation will help me, but I haven’t been able to do it. I realized that I am addicted to distraction. Ever since I was young, I’ve always had to have multiple things going at the same time. As I am writing this,  the television is on and there are several tabs open on my browser that are waiting for my attention. I sleep with the television on. I listen to music if I don’t feel like watching tv. I’ve never been singularly focused.

“Silence is a source of great strength.”- Lao Tzu

I thought that it was just my nature. I thought that I was a multitasker and that is why I find it necessary to always split my attention. What I realized now is that I’m a little afraid of what is going on in my mind. As I continue to read about spiritual growth, I have learned how to reduce the white noise of thoughts that play in my mind throughout the day. But, I know that there is still a highway of traffic going on in there. I am constantly distracting myself so I don’t have to examine the thoughts that are floating through my mind. As long as there is no silence, I don’t have to know what I really think about anything.

I am figuring out that I am doing myself a disservice. I can read all about the spiritual growth and even put the work into becoming better, but as long as the negative tape is playing in the background I will never fully be free. If I continue to distract myself, I will remain stuck. I know that I owe it to myself to know what thoughts are running free in my mind. My new motto is to do the thing that scares me. It scares me very much to know what I really think about and what is really driving all my actions and reactions. It means that I have to take ownership of all my mistakes and choices. It’s easier to believe that my world is a result of things done to me and not that I played a role in the things that have occurred. In order to change something, you have to acknowledge it. So, I’ve decided to do the thing that scares me. Meditating is on my agenda. Instead of dipping my toe in, I will dive right into the silence and see what I come out with.

You will be the first to know.

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.”
Mother Teresa