Does this sound familiar? . You value help around the house , so you clean up around the house and expect your wife to fall all over you. Cleaning up the house isn’t as important to her. She values quality time, so while you are killing yourself to clean the house, she is thinking that you could be enjoying a movie together or going out to dinner. Both of you feel unappreciated, frustrated and unloved even though you are trying to show the other how much you love them. Maybe this isn’t the exact scenario, but you can substitute with various other ways you are attempting to love the person you are with. Most people love their partner the way that you want to be loved instead of the way they need it
Some people have the misconception that they know everything there is to know about love. Some people take the position that if their partner doesn’t feel loved it is because there is something wrong with their partner and nothing wrong with their own approach to love. We think because we love our family or our friends that we know how to give love. But, loving your family or friends is very much different from loving your partner. Your friends and family will get their needs met in other ways when you don’t provide what they need. They can enjoy you in doses and leave when they have had enough. Your partner has decided that you are the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. If you have chosen to be with them, you have chosen to learn their needs and provide them. If you refuse to meet their needs, they may look to someone else because the thought of spending a lifetime with their needs ignored is like asking someone not to eat food they like for the rest of their life.
The difficulty in being in a relationship is the responsibility for someone else’s needs. It’s the main reason relationships don’t make it. If you don’t commit to fulfilling the needs of your partner, they won’t feel loved. And their needs are different then yours which makes it even more difficult. It’s not hopeless. You simply have to learn about your partner’s needs and be willing to provide them. Many people come to a relationship as a place to get their needs met, but relationships are a place to serve. If both people in a couple are giving to each other, neither will feel deprived.
There is something to help you. Gary Chapman wrote the book, “The 5 Love Languages.” He used his years of marital counseling to formulate a test that breaks down for couples their needs so they can better serve each other. Think about if you had to work with someone. You speak English and they speak Spanish. If you keep talking to each other, neither will understand the other side. We all have a love language. Love speaks to you in a way that it doesn’t speak to your partner.
Take the test: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Send the link to your partner and take the test yourself.
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. The test asks several questions that are used to determine and score the five love languages to determine what is most important to you. You may be surprised to learn that what you’ve been trying to give your partner is what they care about the least or what you’ve deprived them is what they care about the most. Once you reveal the mystery, you have an opportunity to focus your energy where it benefits your partner the most. Similarly, your partner can focus their energy in the love languages that make you feel loved and secure. For some, it may feel strange. If you’re not used to giving what your partner needs, it may be hard to focus on it. But, you have to decide that your partner’s happiness is worth it. Do a little each day or each week. It takes 28 days to create a habit and 90 days until it feels like second nature. If you can commit to 3 months of change, it can lead to a lifetime of loving your partner.
Love is hard enough. Take the step to make things better by learning how to make your partner feel loved and learn how to recognize your own needs so you can be clear with your partner and others. You can learn more by reading the book, buy it here.
“Love can be expressed and received in all five languages. However, if you don’t speak a person’s primary love language, that person will not feel loved, even though you may be speaking the other four. Once you are speaking his or her primary love language fluently, then you can sprinkle in the other four and they will be like icing on the cake.” ― Gary Chapman
“Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself.” ― Gary Chapman