I thought I didn’t have a blog post today. I woke up and nothing was coming to me that I wanted to write about. It happens occasionally. Then, I realized that the summer is ending. This summer will go down in my personal history as unreal – in good ways and bad ways. I can literally say that my whole life changed in one summer. The life I knew at the beginning of the summer is no more.
I am a completely different person than I was at the beginning of the summer and I am in a completely different place. I feel like I was in summer school. I learned a lot of lessons, but they were accelerated and crammed into three very painful months. My relationship ended and I realized that my identity was tied in a very unhealthy way to who I was trying to be in that relationship. I basically lost myself. But, I have to say that it was the best thing that could have happened in my life.
Before the summer, my life was ruled by expectations. Some were my own and others were placed on me, but I tried to live by all of them. It was a heavy burden. It was like living in a costume everyday and pretending to be this superhero that can save everyone by being everything they need me to be. The reality is that I couldn’t even save myself. I was using my appearance to hide my inner struggles. Slowly, everything crumbled and I couldn’t hide anymore. The only thing I could hold on to that made it seem like I was happy was the false relationship. The truth that nobody knew was that I felt single and alone even though I had another person in my life. I couldn’t let it go because it would expose the truth that I was falling apart.
As with all lies, even the ones we tell ourselves, they will be exposed. When the last piece fell away, I was forced to face myself. I had to look at myself and see that my identity was tied into what I thought I was supposed to be. Here, I thought I was this enlightened person, but I was wallowing in fear so deep that it felt like quicksand. I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to succeed. I was afraid that I would never get what I want out of life. I was afraid that people wouldn’t love me if I was myself.
What freed me? When everyone knew my failure, I felt free. When I let go of trying to be perfect is when I was free to be myself. I am horribly imperfect and I freakin love it. As a single person, I am falling totally and head-over-heels in love with myself. I am fabulous. For the first time in my life, I am not just doing. I am watching myself and understanding why I do what I do. I am giving myself the kindness that I once reserved for others. I am patient with myself. I am rewarding myself and, most importantly, I trust myself. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.
This summer saw me lose all these things that I thought I had to have to make it in this world. What I realized is that I’ve already made it. I did all the things that were asked of me and I accomplished all those milestones that others wanted from me. Now, I have to make myself happy. I have to dedicate myself to her instead of sacrificing her for everyone else. And, I have everything that I need. I have me. And, if someone else is lucky, they’ll have me one day. I know he’s out there. But, I’m patiently waiting while he falls head-over-heels in love with himself. That way, when we come together, it will be a meeting of two complete people who understand exactly what they need to be happy. And there is nothing more beautiful than that.
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Goodbye summer. Thanks for everything.